Much like the Supreme Court’s test for obscenity, I have a three prong test that I use to figure out whether or not I’m interested in spending my time with someone. If you answered yes to any of the questions below, it’s probably best that we part ways immediately:
- Have you ever smashed a jack-o-lantern after you obtained your driver’s license? If so, you’re a dick. You have a driver’s license, you can go anywhere you want and you’re so lame that you chose to spend your time destroying the work of a child that’s probably going to cry when they see the aftermath of your boredom.
- Have you ever stiffed a waiter/waitress? I don’t care how bad the service was, you’re their primary source of income. Everyone’s had a rough day at work, that doesn’t mean they deserve to go home with nothing to show for it. You’re a stingy turd, and I’d rather be the weirdo at the restaurant eating alone than dine with you.
- If your friend passes out, do you immediately begin searching for a Sharpie? If that’s how you treat your friends when they’re not looking, I’m not interested in discovering what you’re capable of once I’ve put my confidence in you.
And a close fourth, which I’m considering moving to the top of the list is this: Is there anything funnier than Danny McBride screaming, “God I got to church every God damn Sunday, you gonna bring the demons out of me?!?!”
The short answer? No… no, there’s not.
